02 6 / 2011

"Select a book at random in the room.  Find a novel or short story, copy down the last sentence and use this line as the first line of your new story."

 I like a man who knows when to rush things…and when not to.

A lover who knows when to push things, and when to slow down. When to love, scramble with urgency… push their desperate need for a touch or kiss. I feel the same way about all men in my life - be it human or otherwise, and in all of lives situations. Rushing does not demand to happen in the bedroom, or in the throes of passion late into the night. It doesn’t need to be contained to the pages of a romance novel, or in the stolen touches of an eager lover. Rushing, a negative trait, can be felt in the saddle by the experienced and knowledgeable equestrian. And much like a lover, the tempo and intensity of a gait or a movement can be cultivated, harnessed, and perfected to the pleasure of both animal and rider. Gentleness is always required. Patience. Patience is always encouraged. An animal taught by a forceful hand doesn’t perform willingly; it obeys a heavy-handed master…it evades the painful commands the master gives and reacts out of fear - a sharp jerk to the mouth, a painful spur to the side. The real equestrian doesn’t seek a servant to obey, instead they seek a partner to learn and improve with. 

Submission. The rider seeks submission, but also equally submits to the animal that they trust their wellbeing, safety and often pool all their love and resources into. Trust is essential to horse and rider. 

The chocolate animal beneath me shook with excitement, and between my calves and under the leather of the saddle I could feel the pulsation of raw muscle and strength, fighting a primal and instinctive urge to bolt, to rush the jump we had cleared repeatedly. I held him back. At first it was a gentle reminder, my fingers clasping around the soft black reins and feeling for the familiar arguement the bay gelding had always given me; clenched mouth, and that habitual rushed gait. Close, release, close, release, close, release…I did this several times, each close just slightly more forceful than the next. I didn’t demand that he slow down, I requested it gently. I felt his mouth soften, his jaw relaxed from the caressing, soft touch of my hands that encouraged the silver bit back on his tongue. There was no room for my hands to be greedy and ask for too much from him. I took the little that he gave. 

We came on the jump quicker than I had expected. I urged him downward again with the familiar clasping of the reins, just a slight tickle of pressure on his mouth. His head arched very slightly, and I felt his strides shorten to a comfortable, slow canter as we came up to the obstacle. A twinge of the typical fear and misgivings over came me despite the slow and easy gait we now traveled with - I always felt this way before a jump. But the adrenaline, the need for perfection over the jump urged me to continue on. My need for perfection always drove me and my partner forward into the path of an impediment, whether it was metaphorical, or physical like the cross-rail we now faced. The animal was receptive to my fear, and apprehension caused him to tilt his black-tipped ears in my direction, listening for any command or given order to stop. But we didn’t. A small bump with my feet against his side pushed him forward, and it worked as if I had whispered to him and told him to continue because I trusted him. And three strides before, fell into the familiar position of a jumper - body out of the saddle arched gently over the neck, and hands closed tight on the reins just over the midsection of his neck between his ears and chest. I gave him the reins and he took them, graceful neck stretched, as if reaching for something he couldn’t have. His back legs pushed against the sand, and before the second feeling of instinctual fear could cause me to hesitate…he launched us into the air and for a brief second, I felt like I was flying.

02 6 / 2011

Dear Future Crush - 

I’ve had a lot of one-time crushes in my time. I don’t consider myself a real player, but I certainly enjoy the thrill and the butterflies I get from liking a guy for the first time. Like anyone that is familiar with infatuation, I revel in the consuming thoughts, excited feelings, and the giddy joy we all get when we see someone’s name light up on our phones either from a text, or from the much worshiped phone call.

I always try hard not to get attached, and generally I’m very successful at that.  It might have something to do with the fact that I get bored easily, I have somewhat high standards, and once the rose-colored glasses are taken off and I see you for who you really are - I might get disgusted or turned-off. This probably is because I tend to go after jerks, so my lose of interest is usually justified. Jerk or nice guy…only a handful of times have I found someone to keep my interest for more than 2 months, and I have yet to find someone worthy of my true affection and time past the 6th month mark. They say infatuation wears off after 2-4 months, but blame it on my ADD…maybe blame it on the fact that I’m turned off by the idea of longterm commitment….I just have a hard time lasting relationships.

Is is considered commitment issues if I have no problem getting into the relationship, but a hard time staying in it for any length of the time?

Dear future crush…it doesn’t really matter if you’re a jerk or a nice guy. I will find something wrong with you that will annoy the shit out of me eventually, and it’ll eat me alive. I will sabotage this relationship. It will be something small, like a dumb habit that is insignificant and shouldn’t really bother me, but it will fester in my subconscious and grow from annoyance to hatred. I will probably learn to hate you in a few months. It probably won’t make a difference how hard you try….I’ll like you for a while, unintentionally (and sometimes intentionally) take advantage of your kindness and giving personality, the sex will get boring, something in your personality will make me grow annoyed with you, and then I’ll chew you up and spit you out. I will probably make you cry. 

I might feel bad about it, but I’ll justify it in my mind. I’ll probably justify it to my friends and family too, when they ask how that ‘thing’ we had is going.

This might go back to the fact that I have high standards, and maybe the reason I do this is because I haven’t met ‘the one’ yet. Who knows. But until I have a crush that impresses me with personality, intelligence, looks, and their general charm PAST the point of infatuation, then maybe I’ll change. 

-Jess

01 6 / 2011

01 6 / 2011

01 6 / 2011

01 6 / 2011

01 6 / 2011

Dear You-Know-Who-You-Are:

I met you in the most unconventional way possible. I can’t believe our friendship started 900 miles away from each other and continued to grow in unimaginable and completely unforeseeable ways. 10 years ago we met in the silliest way possible - on neopets, and unlike most internet friendships that die out after a few months, ours continued and grew.

Now we’re 20 years old, in the middle of college, and living with each other for the summer. I’m going to school in Virginia because you exposed me to it, and I fell in love with the state. I can honestly say my life is completely and totally changed forever because of you, and its changed in the best ways possible. I wouldn’t be going to school in Virginia…and I don’t even know if I would have made it out of high school without having you there to be my friend. I don’t think a single person in my life truly brings out the best in me, and I can say with certainty that when I’m around you, you do.

We’ve seen the good, bad, and ugly of each other and each other’s families. I know I can tell you anything and you won’t judge me, or lecture me, or get pissed off - and I hope you feel the same way when talking to me. Our friendship has had moments of struggle, but we’ve always come out stronger friends than before…which is amazing. 

One thing I think I will always regret is not getting a chance to meet your mom. I remember having conversations with her on the phone, goofing around and joking whenever she’d answer, and I even remember when she told you ‘yes’ when you asked if we could talk on the phone for the first time. I even remember the first time she let you come over :) I get insanely jealous when I realize that some ‘friends’ of yours who hardly deserved the chance to meet her had that opportunity, and I missed it. 

I love you and your family, and I know we have a lot more years of friendship ahead of us. Vacations to the beach, spontaneous trips running around town, staying up till 2am laughing and talking about stuff that sounds crazy to other people, and of course the infamous ‘milkshake run’ that we need more of!

<3